I was sitting up in the hospital bed for the first time in six days and holding Violet properly in my arms for the first time. I had not long come back from theatre after having my blood patch to create a ‘patch’ over the hole in my spine where the fluid was leaking from. It wasn’t a nice procedure at all as I was awake for the whole thing and watched as the Doctor took blood out of my arm and then went on to put the blood on my spine. I remember Take That were playing in the background and I tried to just think about Violet and how I would be able to change her bum in just a few short hours.
Mum and I were joking about how rough I looked and how massive my boobs were. Violet hadn’t really been feeding very much. We kept having to wake her to feed her which the nurse said was a bit unusual for a newborn.
(Just a few hours before this a nurse came in and was staring at Violet in the cot. She said that her head looked large and a bit swollen and that she was going to send her for an ultrasound. I didn’t think much of it as birth must be so traumatic for a baby anyway, I was more concerned that I couldn’t go with her. My Mum had to take her as I still wasn’t able to move).
It must of been pretty late when me and Mum were chatting and I was sitting up feeding Violet. A nurse came in to check on us and said I had such a glow about me. Then, that’s when it happened.
A lady came in wearing a suit. I remember briefly seeing her before when they took Vi for the ultrasound. She stood at the end of my bed and told me Violet had Hydrocephalus. She explained a bit what it was but it was all a blur. I can’t remember anything much about what she said only the key words about brain, operation, damage..all those scary terms that I just didn’t want to hear. The lady walked out.
I didn’t know it was possible to have that many tears inside me. My heart was truly broken. I felt it break. How can my perfect baby be poorly? She was so small and tiny. How can anything be wrong? I held her tighter and closed my eyes wishing that it wasn’t true and that this was all some huge mistake. I kept kissing her head and I saw my tears land on her baby grow. Not my baby, not my Violet. Why me? Why Violet? Why my baby? Why now? What have I done to deserve this? Have I been a bad person? Is this punishment for something? Then it quickly went to thoughts that I have caused this. Did I do something when pregnant? Did I eat the wrong things? Did I not eat enough of the right things? Did I stress too much? Did I not do enough exercise? This is my fault.
If I am completely honest, I think I still think those now. Not to that extent but the thought always linger in the back of my mind. No matter how many people tell me that it has nothing to do with what I did throughout my pregnancy, I won’t believe them. Even though the facts tell me it wasn’t my fault, deep deep down I think I will always believe that a part of it is. I don’t beat myself up about it, I don’t let it run my life but I wonder if one day those thoughts will go away and what it will feel like. Am I the only one who felt/feels like this? I hope that there will be a time when I can truly believe it wasn’t my fault.
I don’t think my emotions could handle the whole story in one post so will post about Violet’s surgery soon.
My heart and love goes out to any parent who has been through anything similar.