I wanted to freeze the moment so morning didn’t arrive.

It was about a week before Christmas and I had gone out for a Christmas meal with the girls from my old work. It was so nice to be out but I felt slightly lost. I didn’t know what to do with myself.

I had a phone call from my Mum to say Violet was screaming and she wouldn’t take the milk that I had expressed for her. I could hear Vi crying in the background and packed up my things and went straight to my Mums. When I got there I could hear Violet from outside as it was a cry like no other. I tried to feed her but she didn’t seem to want it. I was trying to keep calm and thinking that it could be wind or colic.. I saw the look on my Mum’s face and knew she was worried. And when my Mum is worried then I know that I should be worried. We tried for a while to calm Violet down but nothing soothed her.

Every day we had been measuring Vi’s head circumference as if this was increasing then it could mean the hole they made in the third ventricle in her head may have closed up causing the pressure to build up again.

Alder Hey gave us the direct number to the ward when we left hospital in September so we thought it was best to call them and see what they say. The nurse told us pretty much straight away to come to Alder Hey A&E.

The fear crawled over me as it did those few months ago. I thought we were doing fine. Things were getting easier and better. Why is this happening?

We waiting in the emergency room where there were other children who were poorly. It was heart breaking. All the adults in this room were experiencing something similar to me. That feeling of helplessness and sadness. I remember looking round and just crying. All these tiny babies and children are poorly when their lives have only just begun.

A nurse tried to get a blood sample from Violet and it was absolutely awful. Now she was nearly four months old and she was interacting so much more. It was amazing when she was happy and giggling when were at home but now, I could see the sadness and pain in her eyes as the nurse tried to get the blood sample. My Mum had to hold Violet as it happened because I just did not feel strong enough. I felt like such a bad Mum. Violet was staring at me and I just remember trying to hold back the tears. All those feelings from four months ago hit me like a pile of bricks.

Shortly later they had put Mum and I in a side room with Violet whilst we waited for some results of the scan she had an hour before. Violet had really calmed down by now and she was fast asleep in my arms. Me and Mum started nattering and thought maybe we had jumped to conclusions and maybe Vi had just had nasty colic or something. We had a few laughs that I missed the Christmas party but I thought about going home and to my bed and I was so happy.

That image was quickly snatched away from me as the Doctor walked in. I could tell from the look on his face that it wasn’t good news. My Mum got up and sat by me. I just burst out into tears. I wanted to run out the room and not hear what he had to say. He told us that Violet’s surgery had failed and she needs to have surgery again immediately but she also has a water infection which is causing her pain when she wees. ‘Pain‘ was the worst word they used. My beautiful baby girl in pain and she couldn’t tell me. Was she wondering why I couldn’t stop the pain? Did she hate me? Why is this happening? Am I doing something wrong? Am I not a good mum? Is this the worlds way of telling me that I am just not made for this? I wanted answers but I just couldn’t get them. I drove myself crazy with these questions running round and round in my head.

It was really late and we were on the list for surgery the next day. Violet was lying in the hospital cot. I watched her chest go up and down as she slept. I listened to her beautiful breaths in and out. I remember leaning my head on the bars of the cot, tears running down my face just staring at her. So small and fragile. Her tiny hands clenching with the beeps of the monitors on the ward. She was sleeping so lovely that I couldn’t believe there was anything wrong. I wanted to freeze the moment so morning didn’t arrive and my heart couldn’t be broken again.

Our Sweet Violet xo

 

 

 

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