To My Sister,

To My Sister,

I remember Mum telling me she was expecting a baby. I was 10 years old and so excited to become a big sister (it had to be better than being a little sister!). Those months flew by so fast waiting for you to arrive and when you did, you were so cute and just a little noisy. Visiting you in hospital feels like yesterday, definitely not over 14 years ago!

Being a big sister was lovely, and still is – sometimes!

I see you now growing into such an independent and confident person. I watch you sometimes and can’t believe how grown up you are. When did that happen? Like seriously, where have these years gone? One minute you are crying at me to watch the Fimbles with you and then in the blink of an eye we are shopping together and gossiping over a cuppa whilst shopping with my little girl!

When I was your age, I was so insecure, constantly trying to follow the crowd. I think I was wearing Fred Perry jumpers and Stan Smiths on my feet. I cared so much about what everybody thought. You were four when I was 14 and you always would put a smile on my face. In your eyes, I was this amazing big sister and I loved that (obviously!) Sometimes I wouldn’t be happy if you had had your hands in my make up or make me sit and watch Balamory and play shops with you at the same time. But most of the time, you were so funny that you always had someone laughing. Unless you were in a temper when all hell broke loose. Not much has changed with your temper though – haha!

When I have seen you upset about things that have happened in school, it breaks my heart. I tell you that it will be OK and people will forget but I sympathise with you so much. I know it feels like the end of the world right now, but things will get better. You won’t be at school forever. You won’t feel like this forever. Promise.

When I go shopping with you, you buys clothes because you love them. Not because they are ‘in’, not because everyone else is wearing them, but because you like them and you know they will look good on you. I envy you so much with how much confidence you have at that age. And so you should. You are beautiful inside and out. (Again, apart from the tempers if you’re tired!)

You wear make up when you want to wear make up. And that is how it should be. I started to wear make up from like 12 and my skin has suffered terribly because of it but you have such lovely skin that you don’t need make up. You wear it every now and again if you go to parties but that is all – I am so jealous 😦

We fight pretty much all the time and we steal each other’s clothes almost every day but I think that is what having a Sister is like most of the time. Whatever I say to you when i’m naggy, I never mean it. Please remember that.

I am so grateful that I have you in Violet’s life, as Violet’s Auntie, as my Sister and my best friend. You are an incredible role model for her and for me. We have been through a lot in the past few years especially with Violet and I being poorly but you have always been there. Even if we just watch a movie and eat rubbish food – you were there.

If Violet becomes even half the girl you are today, I will be one proud Mum. Just like I feel proud to be your Sister.

Carry on being amazing. Wear what you wanna wear, do what you wanna do, say what you wanna say (within reason you little madam!). We love you so much,

Livvy x

OurSweetViolet xo

How my man popped the question & other great moments of 2016..

As if it is 2017 in just a few days.

Where has 2016 gone? I cannot believe how quickly time is passing. When growing up a year would seem like such a long time but now I am older, it flashes past in an instant. Slow down please!

2016 has been an incredible year. Truly amazing. Here are a few of my major highlights from 2016:

1.Getting ENGAGED! In February 2016 my man popped down on one knee on the top a hill in Lake Vyrnwy. It was so beautiful but unfortunately not that romantic at first as I had previously been in one hell of a mood on the journey there. We had spent the day in Porthmadog, which is my favourite place ever, and then on the way home Glenn said he wanted to pop past him Mum’s field because they needed help with something. It was pissing down outside and I was not a happy bunny. New white converses + a field full of sheep shit = raged Olivia!

He somehow managed to get me out the car and I carried Violet up the hill. Wondering why the hell his Mum and Dad had planned to do work on a field in the middle of February in the pouring rain, I was completely oblivious to the fact that it was all a trap to get me to see the beautiful views of Lake Vyrnwy and to turn around to find Glenn down on one knee asking me – moody, naggy, pain in the ass – Olivia to be his wife. What the f…!? HELL YES! Then followed by me apologising a lot that I had been so mean. Violet wondered what the hell was going on but it was so lovely for her to be there. It was perfect.

Still haven’t forgiven him for ruining my new shoes though – Glenn, if you’re reading this I’m a size 5.

2. Violet starting Primary School. *sobs* I’m happy but sad happy. My baby girl is no longer my baby girl. She is four. Four whole years old. When Vi was a baby and in Alder Hey, I never thought that this would happen. I would stay up crying and worrying about what life was going to be like for her.

Four years on and I still question why all those things happened to my girl and I don’t think I will ever fully understand or believe that it ‘just happens’.

I used to think it was all bad that happened to Vi, which it was absolutely awful, but she is proof you can be so strong, so fearless and so incredible. Whenever I am having a bad day, feeling unwell, I sit and think of my little darling bundled up in her hospital gown on that hospital bed. If my 9 day old love can go through brain surgery and four years later ride her scooter and sing Away in a Manger today, you can do anything.

3. New job! I started in my new job at a hospital in the IT Department in January 2016 and I am still here 12 months later and bagged a promotion in those months too. I’m working towards some more qualifications which will all be done before the wedding.

Accepting the new job last year was the best thing I ever did. The people I work with are so lovely and so helpful. They really push me to do better and teach me new things every day. I might get on their nerves sometimes when I create an angel on the wall with my face on top BUT they are all so funny and I’m grateful to work with such wonderful people.

4. Started my blog! It’s been a few months since I started my blog and I have loved every minute of it. I have loved reading other blogs, meeting new people and hearing their stories and getting so many lovely recipes and home ideas! The best thing about blogging is when someone writes something and in your head you say “OMG I thought I was the only person who ever thought that!!” – that is such a surreal feeling!!

These next few blog posts will more than likely be about the wedding which is SO close now it is so friggin scary. I have so much to do but such little time..

Many other amazing things happened like taking Violet to Disneyland Paris which was the most magical place ever! Two of my best friends married their partners and had the most beautiful weddings ever and they both looked gorgeous. Oh and to put a nice cherry on the cake, I am going to pick up a lovely new car this afternoon.

Anyway..I hope everyone has had an amazing 2016 and I hope your 2017 is just as incredible! I’m gonna be seeing in my New Year drinking lots of gin so my head might be hurting the first few days of 2017.

Lots of love,

OurSweetViolet xo

My Christmas Spaceman Angel

Watching through my tear filled eyes I watched my little lady singing her heart out in the Nativity. The confidence and happiness in her eyes made tears fall down my face. Glenn, Glenn’s Mum and my Mum couldn’t stop staring at her.

I can’t believe my little baby, that same baby who only a few years ago had undergone brain surgery, was stood in front of all these people singing and dancing. All those nights up crying and worrying because I thought one day my Vi might not be able to do all these little things and yet there she was. Stood right in front of me, on stage, performing.

I know every parent is proud of their child watching them perform but I had no idea how much love and emotion I would feel watching her. I didn’t notice anyone else because I was watching her every move, I kept blubbing and I’m sure she thought there was something wrong! (I cannot believe I was one of those sobbing parents! I used to despise those when I would perform in the school plays!)

I recall grown ups saying that it never feels like Christmas until their child’s Nativity and I used to think they were crazy. But now I can completely understand what they mean. I was full of happiness and tears at the same time. I was well and truly ready for Christmas after that Nativity – but my bank balance and stress levels were definitely not ready.

At the beginning of 2016, Violet wasn’t saying many words or stringing any sentences together. We were all beginning to be a little concerned at how the hydrocephalus may of affected her growing up. The doctors of Alder Hey and in Shropshire were absolutely fantastic, I cannot praise them enough. She was quickly referred to speech therapy at the age of 2 and then in April 2016 she was offered sessions twice a week in a speech and language school. We couldn’t believe how much she came along in her speech from just being there for a whole term. It was brilliant – and now she is answering us back all the live long day!

When she started full time school in September, I think she took a few steps back the first week or so. She was very shy, emotional, tired and exhausted from the change in her routine but now she loves school! And the teachers are so good at encouraging her and helping her along with her speech. Violet did try some time at a bigger school but the setting just didn’t suit her, so she is now in a small village school which she really enjoys.

Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to take any photos of Violet in her Nativity – which I understand the reasons why but it is such shame because I would of loved her to watch them back when she is older (and watch her cringe at them like I do at mine now!) I did however get this snap from the school today in Violet’s book bag which I have scanned in so apologies for the terrible quality (all creased because Vi thought it would be helpful to fold it up and hold it over her head to stop the rain landing on her hair – cheers Vi).

The costume held together well too which was a bonus! She may hate me for making her look like slightly like a Christmas spaceman angel but she is my Christmas spaceman angel. Don’t think I’m gonna apply for the Great British Sewing Bee anytime soon!

Hope everyone has a lovely Christmas!

OurSweetViolet xo

*Wedding Countdown*: 122 days to go! (and about 679 more things to do – crap)

 

Chill out Mum!

Why as parents do we torture ourselves over such simple things?

Yesterday I had a complete stress episode because my new bed was being delivered and I had to dismantle my old one. My other half is THE worst DIY man you will ever meet so it was up to me to take the bed down. Not only did I have to do this, but I also had to stitch up Violet’s Nativity costume (I now realise how much I took for granted the Vicar’s wife at my primary school who made about 20+ costumes for us and how annoyed she must of been when we would rip them accidentally my treading on the dangly bits of tinsel – MY BAD)

Anyway, so home I went to find Glenn trying to ‘smash up’ the old bed. Yes, my darling husband-to-be was trying to ‘smash up’ a bolted together metal bed with his bare hands. *Round of applause please*. So after that failed miserably, I got the alan key out and unscrewed the whole thing. Glenn then regained his macho status but carrying the parts downstairs. Well done babes..

I then zoomed off to my aunty’s house so she could stitch up Violet’s outfit at super speed on her sewing machine. Then went to collect Violet from my Dad’s house, back to mine to find my new King size bed had been delivered and my Mum and Stepdad trying to get the bloody thing upstairs. So I sat and watched them whilst sewing on tinsel to the bottom of Violet’s dress (the f**king needle kept being disguised by the f**king tinsel so I kept f**king stabbing myself!)

Fast forward an hour and a half and I’m lying down in my beautiful new bed, staring at the costume I have created but crying because I haven’t spent much time with Vi tonight. Made worse by the fact my hands were throbbing from all the stabs of the needle.

I really tortured myself. Looking through Instagram posts of everyone getting their advent calendars ready for their little ones in the morning. Then just to rub salt in the wound I started to stare at Vi and look at how beautiful she was sleeping.

Woke up this morning. Got dressed, got Vi ready, went to work and sat down. Looked back on the night before (If my boss is ready this – I was working hard at the same time!). Violet isn’t going to remember me not playing games with her for one night. She’s not going to look back on that night as the night that Mum looked at tinsel more than her. It’s not going to ruin her life.

She’s gonna be fine.

Whereas if I hadn’t made that costume, she would of gone to school with no costume and would of had to stand in her uniform whilst all the other children were dressed up ready to rehearse. And I would of then been crying last night because I hadn’t made her costume. I can’t win! So in hindsight, I wouldn’t of changed anything about the night before (apart from maybe wearing a bloody thimble).

Moral of the story: Just calm down Liv or in the words of Vi “chill out Mum”.

OurSweetViolet xo

I should of spoke out sooner.

I really struggled thinking about giving up breastfeeding. When it was the middle of the night and Violet wouldn’t settle unless I was feeding her, I just gave in so I could get some sleep but I knew that I had to stop sooner rather than later otherwise it would just get harder.

I knew I had done so well already to make it to 15 months. I went back to work when Violet was 10 months old so to juggle both was quite the achievement.

Glenn and I weren’t together at the time but we decided together, as Violet’s parents, that Glenn would come over one evening and I would go upstairs to bed and he would get her to sleep with no breastfeeding. I could hear her crying but it soon settled down and she drifted off to sleep but then the night time feed came along and I shot up but sooner realised that I wasn’t to go through as Violet would sniff the milk out and I would give in! So Glenn went through and rocked her to sleep and I couldn’t believe it, it worked! We did this for about 3 days. And every night got easier. She adapted so well. My boobies however, did not. I don’t know what is worse, the milk coming in or the milk going out. Holy hell, the pain was unbearable. I want to express just so I could get rid of my double Gs but knew it would only make the torture worse.

After about a week my emotions were everywhere. My hormones were all over the bloody place. I thought I would feel better after breastfeeding. Be able to go out for a few drinks, go out for longer than a few hours, the possibilities were endless..or so that’s what I thought. When in reality, my life took a turn for the worse. My mind was full of terrible things. I felt like there was a dark cloud over me. I could feel something sitting on my shoulders, the weight of it pushed me down into a hole and I couldn’t get out of it. I couldn’t look forward to anything. I didn’t feel anything but sadness. I tried to hide it but everyone around me could see something wasn’t right and in the end I cracked.

I stayed with my Mum whilst the medication the Doctor gave me began to work and Violet stayed with Glenn. The anxiety of taking the medication was a whole story of its own.  I saw Vi everyday but one day when I was really bad I didn’t want to touch her. It broke my heart and tore me apart. She was the one thing in the whole world that I cared and loved most about and I couldn’t even pick her up. (But when in CBT the therapist told me that that is why I was having those feelings. Strange, I know!) Why am I like this? What is wrong with me? Am I a bad person? Why is this happening to me? My head was full to the brim of terrible thoughts that I thought I was going to collapse. I didn’t see a way out. I couldn’t see me ever getting better. I stopped eating, I stopped taking care of myself, I stopped everything.

The guilt that I felt from being away from Violet was horrific. I cried all the time. Really, I needed to get away. Take care of myself. Think about me and getting better as I would be no good to Violet in the state I was in.

I look back now and can’t believe I ever got to that stage without telling anybody but I think I was so scared about telling someone that the fear stopped me. I could picture Violet being taken away from me. Everyone would think I had gone ‘mad’ and disown me. When really, I should of spoke out sooner. I didn’t realise other people had experienced this. I wasn’t alone. I’m not alone. People listened when I told them. Sure I could see the confusion in their faces that happy Livvy (who was always laughing and happy) was suffering with mental health issues but they soon understood and my friends and family supported me fully through my recovery. They were fantastic. I can’t thank them enough for getting me through that difficult time in my life. And the CBT that I had was brilliant. I truly believe this was key to my recovery.

As writing this brings back lots of bad memories I will have to dip into it bit by bit and as I feel ready to.

I would encourage anybody who had any feelings or thoughts to talk to someone, you will be so surprised at how many people have experienced the same – Promise.

OurSweetViolet xo

 

I became one of those crazy grown ups who enjoys cheese.

Last week has been a tricky one – very up and down. Glenn went to Amsterdam with a few of his friends on Monday til Thursday so I was a bit nervous about how I would cope on my own with Violet for 3 nights. Yes, I know it sounds crazy even though she is 4 years old but I still get nervous. What if I get poorly? What if Vi does? What if something happens at home? What if something happens to Glenn whilst he is there? One million questions were speeding through my brain and rational Livvy (who rarely appears!) was saying that everything would be fine but irrational Livvy (who seems to be here every bloody day) was thinking all sorts!

But, shock horror, everything went swimmingly. It was actually really nice to have just some me and Violet time. She was so well behaved. She even let me brush her hair WITHOUT having a meltdown!

Glenn arrived home on Thursday night and on Friday night I escaped and had a browse around Matalan straight after work and picked up the cutest clothes for Vi. This little Minnie Mouse dress, tights and headband was bargain at £12!

Then Saturday I went to the Ideal Home Christmas Show. It was absolutely brilliant. I recommend it for any person who loves a good browse of stalls. It had all ranges of things from Christmas decorations to hot tubs and Aurora handbands (yes I did buy one) to cheese tasters. I never thought I would be a person who enjoys tasting cheese. When did that happen?! I used to look at grown ups lusting over different flavour cheese thinking they were so crazy and then, out of bloody nowhere, I became one of those crazy grown ups who enjoys cheese.

It was a really long day and my feet were hurting so much at the end. We got home about 6pm and by 6.45pm we were out for Glenn’s 30th birthday meal – as if I have a 30 year old boyfriend, this is crazy!

Glenn took Violet to Caernarfon Castle on Saturday to see the Weeping Window poppy exhibition. I was a little jealous as I would of loved to have seen it! Violet looked like she had a lovely time and she was so happy because her best friend is called Poppy so she was amazed at how many poppies there were.

It is Glenn’s actual birthday today – *HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABES* – and I treated him to some Manchester United Football tickets and a FitBit Charge HR. I’m looking forward to seeing how it works. But more looking forward to the cake I’m going to be eating later – not that I’m a greedy cow but that is the highlight of every birthday surely?

Anyone have anything lovely planned this week? I have work all week then going to finish a few crafty bits at the weekend for the wedding!

OurSweetViolet xo

Do you like Mummy’s wedding dress? No.

Our upcoming wedding is the main topic of the family at the moment. Whichever family home we go to, they always ask us how the wedding plans are going and if I am stressing out yet (Duh – I have been stressed out for months already!)

V is always listening in on the conversations and she knows that she is going to wear a pretty dress and there will be a party. V came with me to choose my wedding dress as I couldn’t think of a more honest opinion than that of my 3 year old daughter – she says it how it is.

Rewind to 5 months go and she was the first to tell me that I looked like a cake in a wedding dress I tried on – thanks Vi babe! In all honesty, I did look a bugger in this particular dress. And it was even worse because it was like my dream dress..until I tried it on.

Then it suddenly came to me that she actually has no idea what marriage means. So I decided to ask her a few questions to see what she thinks and thought I would share the answers with you all..

Who is Mummy marrying?

Daddy

When are Mummy and Daddy getting married?

Um soon

Are you excited about Mummy and Daddy getting married?

Sometimes

Do you like Mummy’s wedding dress?

No

Why?

It’s not red

What are you looking forward to at the wedding?

Dancing and seeing Elsie (V’s cousin)

When I marry Daddy, what will happen?

Have some food, go to party, wear dress and have flowers

What are you going to wear?

Red dress and shoes

You’re not wearing a red dress Violet

Why

Because I haven’t picked a red one

*sigh* Me not go

Do you like what Daddy is wearing?

No not like shirt. Boring.

Are you not my friend anymore?

No pooey

BRILLIANT! That conversation went well.. So, as you can see, I think Violet’s main priority is for someone to wear something red at my wedding which as you can see to Violet’s disgust is not happening.

At the moment we are looking at invitations and I am finding it so difficult to choose! If anyone has any recommendations for invitation companies please let me know.

How did your little ones behave at your wedding? Did they understand at all or just see it as a party? Any tips or advice for keeping them occupied and out of trouble on the big day?

OurSweetViolet xo

Five things I wish I knew five years ago.

Five years ago this time of the year we got some very surprising news. A very surprising bun in the oven! Glenn and I hadn’t been together long so we were very shocked when we received the news.

A lot has happened since then, we have had our ups and downs, moved out and moved back in again and February this year he popped the question!

So we are busy planning our beautiful spring wedding for April 2017 – how stressful is wedding planning?! Scratch that, how stressful are ‘simple’ things like place cards?! The other day I had a full on break down and cry about invitations. What has my life become.

Anyway, looking towards the next chapter in our lives it made me think about the past five years and how we have come to this point so I thought about writing this post about five things I wish I knew five years ago..

1. That it’s OK to have mixed emotions when you have a baby – When I was pregnant, I thought life would be perfect. I thought I would bloom during pregnancy, sail through the birth and devote every second of the rest of my life to my darling daughter. I thought I would never be unhappy again, thought I would never cry, I used to look at other Mums and wonder why they ever looked down. They had the gift of a perfect baby, what was there to complain about. Turns out, a lot. There were times when Violet was little that I think I didn’t sleep for over 72 hours and most of those hours were also spent crying. How can something that brings you so much joy also make you so stressed and exhausted? I didn’t think I was experiencing it right. There must be something wrong with me. Why am I not enjoying every second? I used to be upset and felt like I needed time alone but then I used to cry because I had those thoughts. It was a vicious cycle. But turns out, a lot of Mums feel that way. And Dads! You are not alone, and the tiredness won’t last forever. Soon she will have lie ins!

2. People aren’t trying to annoy you, they are just wanting to help you – I wish I accepted more help when Violet was little. I felt like I had to do it all by myself or I wasn’t being a good mum. I felt judged even though looking back, nobody cared! It was only me who was judging myself and no one else. Family would offer to have Violet for a few hours and I would say no, inside my head I would be screaming ‘YES PLEASE!’ but somehow the words just didn’t come out. Looking back that is probably when I started to get poorly. Not a lot of people know but I was quite poorly after having Violet but it didn’t really appear until 2013. It was just after I stopped breastfeeding and we’re not sure if it was the hormones or something but I really did hit rock bottom. I couldn’t keep it in anymore. It took months/years for me to get better and I still have bad days/weeks now but I know to cope with it now. I know the signs and so do my family and friends. I always ask for help now but maybe if I had asked for help back then I wouldn’t have got into such a bad place back then. I am not ashamed of suffering with mental health issues and I believe that it was life’s way of telling me that I needed to break down completely, to rebuild myself stronger for the future.

3. Your Mum is giving you advice because she loves you – When my Mum gives me advice about Violet, she drives me crazy! She says the most obvious things like ‘Is Violet wearing a coat today?’. It drives me crazy and it has turned into a little joke now but I know she means it. We might bicker all the time but I know she says those things out of love. I forget that not only does my Mum worry about me but worries about her granddaughter too! I can’t cope with just the one child, never mind if that child had a child..

4. Date nights are allowed and are so important – Olivia, do not feel bad about going on a date night. Get your heels on and get out that door. It’s OK to not be ‘Mummy’ all the time, you are allowed to be girlfriend, friend, daughter and a twenty-something who is allowed to laugh and have fun!

5. Having a child really will change your life – When I fell pregnant, my Nan told me that my life will never be the same again. And of course, I didn’t believe her. I thought that she was crazy and that my life wouldn’t change at all. I thought that this baby would fit in around my life and I would still be able to do all the lovely things I always do. But I was so so so wrong. Every second of my life was different. Not only everything that happened to Violet and I in hospital which had a huge impact but also all the little things such as using baby wipes to clean my face rather than actual make up wipes, spending my money on swimming nappies rather than swimming costumes and watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse at 2am and not strolling out of nightclubs. It really has changed and sometimes I do reminisce on my previous shenanigans pre-baby but the thought soon goes when I find Violet crushing wax crayons on my new carpet!

Even after all those things, I still wouldn’t change the past five years.  Of course I wish that Violet hadn’t become poorly, obviously, but she is an absolute sweetheart. So kind, thoughtful and she has such an infectious smile. Here’s to the next five years, no more surprises please!

OurSweetViolet xo

Christmas gift nightmare has begun!

When Vi was busy growing in my tummy I dreamed of the Christmases in the future and buying Vi Barbie castles, Polly Pockets and Skydancers which I loved when I was younger. We would spend all day playing with them at Christmas and she would love everything Barbie and My Little Pony. But oh no no no…not my child. Not my Vi. Violet has the most random Christmas list for a four year old.

She doesn’t really play with dolls or toys at all. She just loves all role playing games like cafes, teachers, mum and baby and even McDonalds! (Bad mum points!) Vi loves nail polishes so she can play salons or notebooks so she can write and make lists to play cafes or teachers. I love to watch her play and especially when she gets family members to play restaurants with her. It is so cute how grown ups can pretend to eat wooden ice cream whilst also being made to watch Topsy and Tim for the millionth time! I’m sometimes jealous when they walk out the door and leave me to watch Topsy be really mean to Tim. That programme really winds me up!

Vi has got a kitchen, a cafe, a trolley, a till and then a desk and whiteboard to play schools with too so this year we are really stuck on what to buy for her!

Christmas 2015

Last year Violet also had an iPod Touch (some more bad mum points!) which she says is her phone. She gets a new case for it everytime we go to Claire’s Accessories! She’s obsessed! And she is the cutest girl ever when she is on it. Amazing how quickly she picked it up and learnt to use it. It is easily the best investment we have ever bought as she gets to facetime her Nans, Grandads, Nains and Taids and with all her hospital visits, she can watch TV on it in the car as it is quite a way to Alder Hey from us.

And now..this year, she has asked for an iPad and a printer?! Yes, a printer! She wants to be able to print out like teachers for her children. And then she has listed a few Teletubby items of clothing but she just wants Po on it. No other Teletubby..just Po. And only Po.

So my Christmas gift nightmare has begun! I need to start getting some good mum points..

Is your little one not into toys? Does anyone have any other suggestions?

Our Sweet Violet xo

I wanted to freeze the moment so morning didn’t arrive.

It was about a week before Christmas and I had gone out for a Christmas meal with the girls from my old work. It was so nice to be out but I felt slightly lost. I didn’t know what to do with myself.

I had a phone call from my Mum to say Violet was screaming and she wouldn’t take the milk that I had expressed for her. I could hear Vi crying in the background and packed up my things and went straight to my Mums. When I got there I could hear Violet from outside as it was a cry like no other. I tried to feed her but she didn’t seem to want it. I was trying to keep calm and thinking that it could be wind or colic.. I saw the look on my Mum’s face and knew she was worried. And when my Mum is worried then I know that I should be worried. We tried for a while to calm Violet down but nothing soothed her.

Every day we had been measuring Vi’s head circumference as if this was increasing then it could mean the hole they made in the third ventricle in her head may have closed up causing the pressure to build up again.

Alder Hey gave us the direct number to the ward when we left hospital in September so we thought it was best to call them and see what they say. The nurse told us pretty much straight away to come to Alder Hey A&E.

The fear crawled over me as it did those few months ago. I thought we were doing fine. Things were getting easier and better. Why is this happening?

We waiting in the emergency room where there were other children who were poorly. It was heart breaking. All the adults in this room were experiencing something similar to me. That feeling of helplessness and sadness. I remember looking round and just crying. All these tiny babies and children are poorly when their lives have only just begun.

A nurse tried to get a blood sample from Violet and it was absolutely awful. Now she was nearly four months old and she was interacting so much more. It was amazing when she was happy and giggling when were at home but now, I could see the sadness and pain in her eyes as the nurse tried to get the blood sample. My Mum had to hold Violet as it happened because I just did not feel strong enough. I felt like such a bad Mum. Violet was staring at me and I just remember trying to hold back the tears. All those feelings from four months ago hit me like a pile of bricks.

Shortly later they had put Mum and I in a side room with Violet whilst we waited for some results of the scan she had an hour before. Violet had really calmed down by now and she was fast asleep in my arms. Me and Mum started nattering and thought maybe we had jumped to conclusions and maybe Vi had just had nasty colic or something. We had a few laughs that I missed the Christmas party but I thought about going home and to my bed and I was so happy.

That image was quickly snatched away from me as the Doctor walked in. I could tell from the look on his face that it wasn’t good news. My Mum got up and sat by me. I just burst out into tears. I wanted to run out the room and not hear what he had to say. He told us that Violet’s surgery had failed and she needs to have surgery again immediately but she also has a water infection which is causing her pain when she wees. ‘Pain‘ was the worst word they used. My beautiful baby girl in pain and she couldn’t tell me. Was she wondering why I couldn’t stop the pain? Did she hate me? Why is this happening? Am I doing something wrong? Am I not a good mum? Is this the worlds way of telling me that I am just not made for this? I wanted answers but I just couldn’t get them. I drove myself crazy with these questions running round and round in my head.

It was really late and we were on the list for surgery the next day. Violet was lying in the hospital cot. I watched her chest go up and down as she slept. I listened to her beautiful breaths in and out. I remember leaning my head on the bars of the cot, tears running down my face just staring at her. So small and fragile. Her tiny hands clenching with the beeps of the monitors on the ward. She was sleeping so lovely that I couldn’t believe there was anything wrong. I wanted to freeze the moment so morning didn’t arrive and my heart couldn’t be broken again.

Our Sweet Violet xo